Monday, December 31

Be Mine

I love the little things in Youtube video that made your eyes watery and the way it made you thinking about it all the night, about choices, my guilt and Charles Manson. Really sayang? Thats so romantic of you to tell me about that on NYE, and  and how you can still talk about it for millionth times on the phone, when my eyes were seconds to shut. And how you can shut it off, change to new topic and started to laugh about, with my eyes still stick on you. And how you mumble about me being restless on new year which it just enough to make me stay on the screen, half listening, not for the words, but for the voice, and again the words :*

You are alive

I have to type this down in the midst of fireworks welcoming two thousand thirteen. I have to stop and breath. It feels like my life hit the pause button somewhere in the middle of April to October, and hit play at the end of two thousand twelve. Because I started to feel again. One Republic was right. I have been too ignorant of my feeling cause I am just too scared to feel. Dumb. In the end I broke people’s heart. I don’t feel good at all. Time to get my loved ones on top of the list, cause I just couldn’t put everyone on the top. Not everyone deserved me. Period. My best friends are on a mission to teach me how to feel and become a woman, and think like a woman. Crap, I think lika a man? but I still love them. 

Anyway, I feel blessed. While you are being ignorant at some point, there is a few people lining up who cares so much about you. Time to give back some love. And foremost is, I feel there is something that I lost in two thousand twelve and I found it now when midnight strikes. I found Safwan

It is my own self

Wednesday, December 26


I found this magical, like unicorn 

Exchanging love letter on the morning of the wedding .  That’s love :)

Monday, December 24

Summernight Clouds

As I am writing this, Stuck On A Feeling by Jackson Water vibrating through my ear. It is not about the song, it is about the guy that made me feel this way. How we could we tell each other the same stories about how we met, in a different version every time, and yet never fail to make it sound it was for the first time. The funny part is we could always twisting it up, to make it more concise and clearer just to make it more understandable by heart

The truth is, the feeling is indescribable and your smile is the answer. I feel I want to record every words you said in my entire life cause it has been my silence for the past few years, it is the word that I could not find but never stop searching .And if this doesn’t work out, who’s gonna say all the words on my behalf?

No one

Sunday, December 16


My mind doesn’t rest at all. Memories, flashback and old photos have been so cruel to me and my heart keep changing like how day change to night and vice versa. I did stupid things which I wish I didn’t do it at the first place. Emails and tons of messages since four years ago eat me up like little monster.It is really weird how you could say it is written by yourself and yet you don’t believe any alphabet there. But no matter how different it sounds years back, somehow the feeling buried inside, still there. 

Time to let it out. 

Friday, December 14

Another Saturday

Today is the mid of December, another halfway to 2013. Countless days finally been counted to the new page of year. Changes has been made here and there. Some are good, some are bad. All I can say is the faith still the same. I believe in the power of if you are not doing anything to change the world, that you should be doing something else. Comparison is still thief of joy, so don’t worry. I know my 24 is going to end soon, very soon. I wanna indulge myself in God, books and family. Words is still the superpower.

Sometimes, we question the things we know. I do that all the times, I can’t accept things that I can’t digest, things I left without being understandable will poisoned me sooner or later. That is why I am destined to be a scientist. And I am wondering why I am blogging, when I was analyzing the techniques of tissue engineering. Distraction. Oh yes, I am going out with him in a few hours, meeting the familiar faces again. I feel belong. And I was browsing my Pinterest, and saw the Christmas jello. Oh I love being random. Happy Saturday xx

Monday, December 10


I love the feeling of being your little girl, cause it keeps me growing up 

Sunday, December 9


Wreck-it-Ralph is the Inception version of character builder movie. Totally blew my mind. How is the director actually managed to tell people that nothing is more important in this world rather than being yourself, 

in a mode of fantasy world of miniature in arcade games? Speechless. 


December snowflakes, even when the sun is just few inches away from the top of my head. Damn my heart still left in America, where all the brain freeze, peer pressure, brain cramp for the every week exams and homesick, and not to forget the massive eating habits took place. And now I am a grow up girl,

 but not yet a woman. 

Friday, December 7


I always thought losing someone is the worst feeling ever, I was wrong. 
The worst feeling ever is when you lose yourself

Tuesday, December 4

More of you

Every time I think I'm back in control
Something gets my heart and my soul
And I'll be begging for more of you

Thursday, November 29

Orange ray of the sunshine

Like a pink ribbon

I'd rather choose the banana bread over the pancakes

November really challenge what I used to believe and used to have faith on. When it all mixed up, it is hard to know which is which, and I am afraid no longer I would listen to the heartbeat again. At the age of 24, love making more sense. How you would fall in love again and again on the same smile, and yet no one believe in it, not even you. Cause it has been so much hypocrisy and pretending and being optimistic that everything gonna be just fine. Perhaps, fine does have different perspective now. When I am not working and focusing, my brain wandering around to the same thing. Drowning in my own world. If falling in love so much like gravity, why we cared so much on standing tall. No point.

Meet at the skyfall. Love always have the way to find each other again. If not this moment, another moment will do. Like how ‘the lakehouse’ is, or the winter garden was. Or it could be what we really wanted, is not necessarily what we need. But the heart wanted it, what else could be more addictive? For the first time in my life, I have all my  feeling defined, like how the scrabble letter coming fit in to each other forming the word. It feels like it settle down by itself without even trying. Love should not be ethical right? If not, heartbreaker or broken heart unlikely to be exist in this world. How would I mumbling about this. Oh yeah, when I am married, I will see this post and see who’s next to me. Will I be seeing you again?

Monday, November 26


 "If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2am clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are...You deserve a girl who can give you the most colourful life imaginable. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads."

Dream A Little Dream of Me

I need Iphone. I need to capture the memories that passing me like lighting struck in the middle of nowhere. I am afraid the hardcore love gonna pass me without a trail, except in my heart. On the positive side, who knows I will remember it better this way. Still it suffocates me. 

I noticed there is new apps of InstaQuote in the market. I can’t wait to grab it on my hand to snap every moment of it, anything that pass through my brain, to see it again and again on just the touch of my finger. Anyway, I got the answer of little things that I let it pass un-notice before, because I am so busy settling down quick and to get everything done, while the fact its the hunting moment that makes little things goes on like the lovebirds in the ferris wheel. 


Friday, November 23


This is crazy, craziest thing I ever done
I just hopelessly let the skyfall, crumbles and
I just don’t care
as long as your hand in my hand

I will stand tall.

Saturday, June 30

Sheer of Simplicity

Who ever imagined, the classy Breakfast at Tiffany featuring Audrey Hepburn wearing gorgeous Givenchy dress dolled up, with her demure face in all over posters and even on my bedroom wall, merely just to eat pastry and coffee outside of Tiffany & Co’s window? 

Seriously it gives me a goosebump which I don’t know why.

And if they want to make movies on Audrey Hepburn, Nina Dobrev would be the best or perhaps Natalie Portman?

Friday, June 29

Have Some Macaroons

This video warms my heart, like one of the clear blue sky in State College. Have some time. Have a good weekend !

It is like forgetting some words from your favorite song

I came across this good reading, and not only for me, for all the girls out there. Have some time for this :

Why you shouldn’t marry before 30

&& I love this: “If you don’t love yourself and commit to your own happiness, then you’ll constantly change yourself to make other people happy. Until you really know who you are and what you want with complete confidence, do not commit your life to someone else. You can do more for other people when you stay connected to your own dreams

Sunday, June 17

Of white roses

I think she’s a sweetheart. First of all she’s a vintage. The face is classic, mix of natalie portman and perhaps marilyn monroe. I dont know. You can listen to her song being stoned and sexy at the same time. Her music video is violent, with a sweetheart face just like that. From the music video, she’s playing the music so close to real life, her guy definitely not the prince from Cindrella, and her face expression is honest. When she said this:

“Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don’t know why”

She’s Lana :)

Hello romantics

Liquid Sunshine

Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth “You owe me”. Look what happen to the love like that. It lights the whole sky, but few days ago, the sky look sick and the sun look intense. Earth definitely owe them. Humans owe them, we should love them more. 

Yesterday was an eye opener, it felt like it finally answered all the questions that I have been denying I had, lingering around like those wind that hit your face once in a while, then gone. 

I have been interviewed by bunch of open minded college students who seeing me as an inspiration. I felt like those wind really hit me hard on my face. It has been a while, because I am alone. 

All of us who labor in the science know that it can be a lonely existence. We often find ourselves living a life of solitary dreams, disconnected from others and driven by a vision that no one else seems to value or share. On some days, this can become overwhelming. 

We then thirst for a single voice of understanding that will reach into our solitary lives and reassure us that the path we have chosen is worth, and that the rewards it offers are worth the loneliness it entails. And that single voice from yesterday, warm my heart and almost make me teary, cause I realized from others view, I am doing the hardest thing on earth, and I am alone. 

And the happiest moment is, I do not realize how hard is that, until yesterday. Cause perhaps, I love what I am doing, since I cram into a bus everyday for 3 hours a day just to see my precious keratinocytes and fibroblast growing 

I am such a bracelet :)

Wednesday, June 13


Are you gonna be an eagle, a loner who ready to fly away, left markers all over the world, but very few at home

Or would you be a lioness who cares for everyone and keeps the pride together?


Brainy Hearty

Nobody really knows who they are, what they love & what they dream of.

And they went searching for some answers , which is : maybe

Tuesday, June 12


Today, I work like a zombie.

I reached my bedroom and look at the mirror, seeing my face

“Hey pretty!"

and I smiled like a girl :)

Saturday, June 9

Seeing a chandelier

Photos was my extension of myself, is just what I felt, thought and dream on. The same feeling I had when my mother gave me a green Kodak camera when I was 7. The sound of the click and the flash, doesn’t make me startled, doesn’t make me doubt of myself at all. Somehow, it makes me safe. Only sometimes, my mother repositioned my small hand to the correct angle. The thrill, yes the thrill when the film was sent to the camera shop. Wala, with every photo I turned, I see me, no expectation from others, just me.

Oh it’s a wonderful feeling.

Sticky notes that never sticks

Eavesdropping to my mother’s stories, always been my favorite, always been like a first time listener. Or it is just her voice, always been a passionate story teller

She said that when people died, in our prayer, the last name become their mother’s instead of father’s.

Cause only our mothers know who’s the father of the child


Sun Apr 22

I have this on draft, my birthday

Seems I cant get a word out of my heart that day. Speechless, typeless

But the words there, contained. Definitely nothing more than the pray and thankfulness and then I got this.

The sweetest is when there is few chocolate wrapped up in glossy colored paper scattered in the box boost up the color of the pastel blouse, with scented oil burner, contained in Paris gift box. He combined it all to make it romantic,

even without him

Minty green

I bought a minty green hair ribbon clip with white polka dot. I am in love.
I mentioned "wet chicken" instead of "wet kitchen". Alzheimer again.

What happen to me? I can no more finish up my big mac.

And her eyes is mesmerizing

Lavender Sky

I was on my fluffy bed for the previous post. And now I am on hard blue chair backing my precious laminar hood.The heat of the incubator hit me, when I open it checking on my cell, deeply I pray,

Please grow well and help me to help others 


Friday, June 8

Counting Stars on Starless Sky.

My life has been walking, dragging my foot, picking up every dust on the road my foot step on, and at the end it is gone, when getting washed. Of course nobody remember this, cause it is a routine.

 Life’s been a routine, it is a mistake.

Being routinely to life, making me alzheimer.

Whenever I step on a weight scale, my brain autodrive to wondering how much I weighted  back in states, it’s been a lot of times, yet I can never remember.
Reminiscing days, making me teary, perhaps of the lost memory that I can’t recall. March is been romantic. April was shit. May is full of decision making, and June?

 Instagram has been my morning newspaper and seeing pictures and photos, making me daydreaming, detach me from the moment. I am so in love.

Can’t believe it is the truth, yet impressive. Last time I recall, I felt my eyes so wide, as if it has been teared open whenever my article is on screen and I felt my brain empty cause the words got stuck at my eyes. Cause it doesn’t get through. Like a bottleneck effect. But now, my eyes hunting for the words of reveal, full of suspense and thrill. Finally, God has answered my prayer.

I felt funny. About my novel Bronze Horseman, which I read it 5 months ago. The novel that I have been crying loud, giving my heart a scar, emotionally ‘I don’t want to read towards the end, cause it is too sad’ and I read it anyway cause I saw happy ending fan made youtube, still hoping it is gonna be a good ending even at the last two pages.Stupid
And I am reading a new novel, Winter Garden, about daughters struggling to get know her cold hearted mother through her fairy tale story telling, also telling about the Leningrad, Stalin, summer garden, Bronze Horseman. I guess I am stuck at that era. Never give up torturing my heart. Duh. Coincidence

I am suck at decision making, cause I hate choices. From Saga-Myvi-Ford Fiesta-Vios-Mazda. Dad, please give me choices like Mini Cooper or Golf. So I don’t have to choose anymore.

I am still a child.

Thank god, love isn’t a choice.

Tuesday, February 14


This movie give my heart and brain almighty thud. Homeless to Harvard. If this is what the real education is, then I ‘ve been learning nothing.

Friday, February 10

Easy Way

I hate people who litter. I think those people are very selfish and lazy, since they can’t clean up their own waste. I hate people who’d just finished eating cendol, wipe their mouth with tissue, and while walking, drop the tissue. Oops. That’s unacceptable.

I hate those people who cant afford to dirty their car, but willingly to dirty the land of others, by throw it outside the car. I saw this, I honk endlessly.

If everybody can mind their own waste, our homes can be a better place.

What is the selfish comes for?
After all, we are stepping on the same land

Slow and Soft

It gets to half of February soon. Everything is moving so soft and slow so far. Not like when studying time, when our heart is struck with exams, quizzes and assignments. Making the heart skip a beat, cause it is going so fast. Prolly only in the heart, not in the everything.

Starting from the beginning of the year, it sounds so different from last year. In fact, no sound at all. The serenity of Kuala Kurau and the firework thumping from Sydney Harbour Bridge distinguish perfectly, but two things remain: the loved person I am with, and the dream

It reminds me of how dreamy I am when I am strolling on the rock of Bondi-Coogee Coastal Walk with my man, while looking front on the Subhnallah sunset view. Its amazing, how your eyes cant communicate with your mouth, and the eyes just decided to keep it as a secret. And the edge of Bondi-Coogee rock full with dreamy people who do nothing too, but staring at the shy sun. Priceless

And I feel this is so theraputic compared to the bombastic words of science on a piece of paper. I need a break